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Breaking the Habit
If you keep winding up on dates and in relationships with a slightly varied version of the same person, then you, my friend, have what we call in the professional matchmaking world a “broken picker”. You’re subconsciously repeating the same pattern of choosing partners over and over again that end up in a relationship that is toxic and hurtful. You are unknowingly sabotaging your success of finding authentic love and happiness. It’s important to break the habit so that you create space for healthier relationships to show up in your life.
The following steps will enable you to break your typical love patterns once and for all:
Excavate: Go within and dig deep! This step calls for some heavy duty truth and reflection. People seek what is familiar. Consider the meaningful relationships that influenced you as a child. If those relationships were flawed, then as an adult you will gravitate towards these same unfulfilling relationships.
Walk the Talk: Everything begins with you. If you want a partner who is emotionally available, kind, generous, affectionate, then you must possess these same traits. The more you love and care for yourself, the more you will feel love from others. How you treat yourself sets the bar for how others treat you.
Take an inventory: There are always signs in toxic relationships. Awareness is key, we must identify the problem. It’s very common to get caught up in attraction and chemistry. We must enter into a relationship with both our hearts and our brain. Consider the following red flags; Do you feel like you are walking on egg shells? Has your self worth lowered? Do you see family and friends as often as you used to? Do you feel you are always giving more than is being given back to you? Do your family and friends disapprove? An objective perspective is important because those offering that perspective aren’t emotionally involved and genuinely have our best interests at heart.
Be open to possibilities: Instead of choosing a partner based off the attraction that you have been using as your gauge (which has only been leading to hurt), consciously decide to get to know someone who has the characteristics that would compliment yours. Use more filters – Use a matchmaker! Everyone has some emotional or negative baggage. The trick is finding someone whose baggage fits well with yours so that you both support one another and evolve in the relationship.
Don’t give up: Change takes time and it’s not easy. Humans are complex and relationships are even more complex. Step out of your comfort zones and break the pattern. Challenge yourself. It’s better to have loved and hurt then never to have loved at all. In the wise words of Maya Angelou, “Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time”.
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